Forgive Yourself For What Happened…

Forgive yourself for what happened. For the mistakes you made. For not showing up the way up you needed to. For not being the person you wanted to be. You’re human. You did the best you could in the moment given what you knew and what you had, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. You’re still learning. You’re still finding your way. And that takes time. You’re allowed to give yourself that time. And you’re allowed to show up in the world imperfectly. You’re allowed to fail at things you tried hard for. You’re allowed to realize you made the wrong decision. You’re allowed to be someone who’s still figuring out their path and their purpose. And you’re allowed to forgive yourself. You can’t go back and change the decisions you’ve made, but you can choose what you do today. You can keep choosing, again and again. You can start over. And that’s where your power is. In today. So no more beating yourself up. No more going over and over it again in your head and torturing yourself with the past. What happened, happened, and all the shame and self-hatred in the world won’t undo that. Today, you’re starting over. Today, you’re moving forward with the new knowledge and experiences you have.

Today, you can be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. You’re not a bad person. You’re not a disappointment or a failure. You’re just human. You’re still learning and growing and finding your way. And it’s okay. You’ll be okay.

Your Pain Matters

Your trauma is valid.

Even if other people have experienced “worse.”

Even if someone else who went through the same experience doesn’t feel debilitated by it.

Even if it “could have been avoided.”

Even if it happened a long time ago.

Even if no one knows.

Your trauma is real and valid and you deserve a space to talk about it.

It isn’t desperate or pathetic or attention-seeking.

It’s self-care.

It’s inconceivably brave.

And regardless of the magnitude of your struggle, you’re allowed to take care of yourself by processing and unloading some of the pain you carry.

Your pain matters.

Your experience matters.

And your healing matters.

Nothing and no one can take that away.

11 Uncomfortable Signs Your Heart Has Finally Started To Heal

Here is how you heal.

1. You’re not as interested in what other people think as you used to be.

When the heartache was fresh, you relied heavily on family and friends to guide you, give you advice, get you out of the house and back on your feet again. You were constantly listening to their ideas, constantly trying to heed their warnings, constantly trying to do whatever they thought was right because you were desperate.

Now, you’re on your own journey. You’re letting the past stay in the past, letting the pain slowly fade into the backdrop of your life. You’re no longer concerned with what people think about you, what you should do, or who you should be. You’ve started to focus on yourself and what you want, rather than what everyone else thinks you need.

2. You’re encouraged by other people’s relationships, rather than feeling lonely in their presence.

Where you used to feel broken every time you looked at someone in a healthy relationship, or walked past a couple canoodling on the street, you’re now calm and collected. Happy people don’t bother you anymore; in fact, you’re encouraged by these connections. Every engagement post on social media, every kiss, every man and woman hand-in-hand brings you hope, not heartache.

3. You’re comfortable going to places, or doing things alone.

You’ve finally started going to that little diner on the end of your block, and sipping coffee in the corner booth at the coffee shop where you and your ex used to go on dates. You’re content being by yourself, no longer looking for someone to fill your life, or for your ex to stumble back in. In fact, you’re pretty damn content being your own company.

4. You’ve said ‘no’ to plans or engagements because you want to, not because you’re sad.

You’re no longer dragging your booty out of the house just to try to pretend to be happy. You’ve finally gotten to the point where you don’t feel empty and you don’t need to attend social events to fill your schedule or to try to get over him/her. If you say ‘no’ to an engagement, it’s because you’re fine, you’re content, and you’re simply not interested in going—not because you’re heartbroken and want to curl up into a ball in your room.

5. You’ve created boundaries for yourself in terms of your future love life.

You’ve started to think about what’s really important to you, what you value, and what you’d look for in a future partner. Instead of obsessing over what and who you’ve lost, you’ve actually started thinking about potential boyfriend/girlfriend material. And you’ve set boundaries for what you want, need, and deserve.

6. You’ve realized the steps you need to take from toxic people, and have actively made some distance between yourself and them.

Whether it’s blocking your ex’s new person, removing some crazy friends from your life, or taking time to be with positive, platonic people instead of ones who only remind you of what you’ve lost, you’ve taken healthy steps away from things and people that don’t grow you, build you, or help you move on from what’s no longer meant to be in your life.

7. You’re able to stumble across pictures of your ex and feel peace, rather than pain.

Thinking about your ex with another person doesn’t drive you absolutely crazy anymore. Actually, when you happen across a photo of him/her with another person, you’re strangely happy. Because you know both of you are moving on. And this is okay.

8. You’ve accepted the fact that some things and people aren’t meant to be.

You’ve come to terms with your breakup, as much as you thought you never would. You don’t have the urge to drunk text him/her. You don’t feel the need to check on his/her social media every day. You actually have realized that perhaps the two of you weren’t right for one another, and you can appreciate the relationship for what it was.

9. You’ve made room in your life for things that challenge you.

You are now focusing on yourself—not a relationship, or a broken heart. You now have time and energy to do things that you didn’t have the time for before, or never felt compelled to do. For the first time in a long while, you’ve filled your schedule with everything but your ex: hobbies, passions, plans, and things that challenge you. Instead of dreading your days, you now see each one as an opportunity.

10. You have expectations—for yourself, for your future lover, for life—that you never had before.

You’ve reset the way you look at the world. No longer are you going to settle, going to be miserable, going to let how someone treats you or the way they exit your life define who you are. Instead, you’ve created expectations: for bettering yourself, for letting a new person in, for how you’re going to live from this moment on. And you feel more motivated and purposeful than you ever before.

11. You’re actually okay with the idea of flirting with someone else.

The idea of being around another person, of opening up, of going on a date doesn’t freak you out anymore. You’re no longer clinging to your past lover, hoping he/she’d pop back into your life, or holding out for some sort of sign from him/her. Instead, you’re going about your life without actively trying to pursue anyone or anything. But if the opportunity comes, you wouldn’t hate it, either.

This Is How You Heal Your Deepest Trauma And Finally Start To Live Your Life Again

When something happens that scares you, and then you do not ever get over that fear, you become traumatized.

Trauma is the experience of disconnecting with a fundamental source of safety. It happens most severely when our attachment is severed to our primary caretakers. But there is truly an infinite number of ways the world can traumatize you, and to varying degrees.

There are lots of theories about what trauma is, and where it comes from. Many believe that it is passed down physically through your DNA. Others argue that it is shared mentally and emotionally, through learned patterns and observations. Most commonly, trauma is believed to be an interpersonal experience we have in which we were challenged and then lacked the skills and coping mechanisms to rise to it. Instead, we fell.

No matter where it came from, if you have some kind of lingering trauma, you will know, because you will feel it. You will feel it physically in your body. You will feel anxiety, tension, fear, terror, sadness or guilt. It will be displaced. It will not have a clear, direct cause. You will overreact to certain things and even when a problem is solved, you will still panic. This is the mark of trauma.

Trauma is not in your head. It is in your body.

This is the first and most important thing you need to know in order to overcome it: trauma is a legitimate, physical issue. You store those emotions, energies and patterns at a cellular level.

Thankfully, we can use the ripples at the top of the water to trace back down to the problem at the bottom, so to say. You can begin to use your body to help you heal.

First, identify where the trauma is.

You do this by feeling into yourself, and noticing where you are tight, or tense. Our bodies harden in order to protect us. When we have a broken leg, our fascia tightens like a natural cast, so that we do not bend ourselves that way again. Similarly, when our hearts are broken, our emotions tighten, so that we do not let ourselves feel again.

Of course, eventually, we have to walk. We have to love. We have to experience life again. We have to slowly soften the pieces of us that are trying to protect us, so that we can move forward.

Healing trauma is not just a matter of psychoanalyzing it. It is a matter of literally working through it with your breath. The next time you feel yourself overreacting to some kind of stimuli, you will notice that your body is starting to tense up, and create a fight-or-flight response. To heal this, you have to force yourself to take deep, soothing breaths, until the part of your body that was once tense is relaxed again.

You will need to self-soothe in different ways. Meditating, breathing, drinking enough water, getting enough sleep, using aromatherapy or sound therapy or whatever else works for you.

You absolutely must work to take your brain and body physically out of panic, survival mode.

Second, reinstate a sense of safety.

You are traumatized because something scared you and you are convinced that it is still “out to get you.” This is what happens when we don’t face or overcome something difficult, we assume the threat lingers indefinitely.

The psychological aspect of trauma healing is that you have to literally restore the connection that was severed, in the exact same way that it was broken.

If you are traumatized about relationships, you need to build healthy relationships. If you are traumatized about money, you need to get really good with money. If you are traumatized about traveling, you need to travel again.

We do not find the resolution in avoiding these things forever. In fact, just underneath the fear we often find that they are the things we really want more than anything else.

Third, stop taking thoughts and feelings at face value.

Last, to overcome trauma, you have to stop engaging in psychic thinking. You have to stop pretending you are able to predict what will happen, you know other people’s intentions, or that what you feel and think is absolute truth and reality.

This kind of thinking is what takes a triggering feeling and turns it into a defeating spiral. You take one scary thing and make it into a prediction for what the future will hold.

You are not an oracle. You do not know what’s next, though you are always capable of choosing what you do now. Almost always, the thing you are most panicked about is a thing you do not know is happening for sure. It is usually an assumption, a projection, a fear turned into a terrifying potential reality.

You might think that trauma is something that other, more damaged people have, but that is not true. Everyone is traumatized in one way or another, but it is how we respond to it, how we ultimately grow and develop self-mastery from it, that determines the course of our lives.

Your Wounds Are Not Your Fault But Your Healing Is Still Your Responsibility

Within ourselves, there are voices that provide us with all the answers that we need to heal our deepest wounds, to transcend our limitations, to overcome our obstacles or challenges, and to see where our soul is longing to go.

Debbie Ford

Pain is inevitable throughout life, although to carry it unnecessarily fuels suffering. Even though our wounds are not our fault, our healing remains within our control. Healing is a difficult and yet liberating journey of self-discovery. Forgiveness teaches us self-resiliency and self-reliance. It awakens us to a greater love and peace that resides within us.

It is why I am drawn to the words of the spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle who wrote on his Instagram account recently: “If you cannot accept what is outside, then accept what is inside. If you cannot accept the external condition, accept the internal condition. This means: Do not resist the pain. Allow it to be there. Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness, or whatever form the suffering takes. Witness it without labeling it mentally. Embrace it. Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes deep suffering into deep peace. This is your crucifixion. Let it become your resurrection and ascension.” Tolle reminds us not to resist our pain but surrender to it in order to transform our suffering. I realize this advice goes against what people want to hear. I equate it to running towards a lion instead of fleeing for your life. Nevertheless, by facing our fears we allow pain to move through us and realize pain is not who we really are; it is an emotional state we have held on to and kept alive.

Beyond our pain lies an ever expansive love which at its essence is our true nature. Even though our wounds may not be our fault, our healing remains our responsibility. To heal means to accept what happened to us and discover our true selves through the healing process. Let me be very clear: acceptance does not mean we like what took place. It simply means to acknowledge the events and work towards healing ourselves of the pain associated with it. People might say: “I wish the event never occurred because I wouldn’t have to deal with the anguish, let alone the long road to recovery.” Whilst that may be true if we believe everything happens for a reason, what if our pain is there to teach us self-compassion and forgiveness? Perhaps the lesson is not so much about the transgression that took place but how we love and nurture ourselves when we are wounded. How do you feel about this? I know it may be difficult to accept especially if your wounds are fresh. Let it sit for a while and try to see your situation through the lens of love and healing.

Dr. Mario Martinez, a clinical neuropsychologist, writes in The Mindbody Code: How To Change The Beliefs That Limit Your Health, Longevity, And Success that “When you’re wounded, especially by significant people in your life, your empowerment is challenged, and your worthiness is called into question. The vulnerability your loss of empowerment creates within you allows the wound to damage your worthiness.” To reclaim our empowerment and worthiness once more, we must cross the threshold of pain and let go of our hurt and anguish. It’s essential you understand, I am not inviting you to forget, but to forgive yourself for being caught up in what took place. Through the healing process, we restore any sense of shame, guilt and anger we inherited as a result of our wounds. Dr. Martinez further explains, instead of trying to forgive the perpetrator or minimize the events of the past, we should focus on re-establishing our sense of self which is more important: “Rather than forgiving the perpetrator or minimizing the intensity of the misdeed, you recover the empowerment and self-worthiness you thought had been taken from you.”

What are your thoughts by now? Are you willing to take ownership of the past in the way you process it? There is rarely ever a right way to heal our wounds. Though, it requires courage to appreciate that our emotional wounds are not permanent and exist to awaken us to the loving presence within us. This presence can never be taken away or deprived through physical or nonphysical acts because, at its essence, this is the foundation of who we are. As a result, we lean into this oneness of love, knowing like a net which supports a trapeze artist should they fall, we will be guided through our healing journey. Our priority is to nurture ourselves foremost through the eyes of kindness and compassion however painful our wounds may be. After all, the love within us is far greater than our wounds because it is the greatest purifier and healer there is.

When You Heal Yourself First, The Rest Will Fall Into Place

How would you describe your relationship with yourself? Is it a kind, compassionate and nurturing one or does it encompass a critical voice? It is important we understand the way we treat ourselves because it impacts how we relate to others. I realise many people have been hurt, whether it be through childhood wounds or intimate relationships. We have all experienced pain and suffering at some point. However, this shouldn’t mean we carry our emotional wounds around and unload them on others. Whilst we may not have consented to the experience that caused us pain, it is incumbent on us to heal the wounds and find our way back to wholeness.

Life is not fair at the best of times, yet if we buy into this narrative, we are bound to lose hope. It is better we see life as a process where good things happen and sometimes unfortunate things happen. I’m not convinced life is out to get us. However, in previous years I was certain it was, since unpleasant experiences seemed like I was being punished. It wasn’t until recently I realized it was my thoughts that regulated how I interacted with life. That is to say, the wisdom of the years has taught me that life is impartial and my thinking determines my outlook. I am the tuning fork and life echoes back the experience of my thoughts. Ever since then, I have become attentive to my surroundings and inner world. For example, if I’m ruminating on something negative, I will see evidence of this in my waking life, such as repeated TV commercials about what I am focusing on. I am attentive to it and snap out of it quickly. Have you noticed this in your life? Do you observe your surroundings and pay attention to your inner world such as your dreams?

The point I wish to make is that healing is an inside out job. It begins by nurturing our thoughts with what we want to show up in our life. What we believe at a deeper level becomes our destiny, whether we like it or not. We are not victims given the deeper meaning behind every experience that teaches us valuable lessons. I see life as one giant mirror and we are the architects and creators of our reality. What we call a deleterious experience is the universe shining a light on our thoughts. I know this may sound insensitive but the universe doesn’t care what we think about. The universe is aligned with fundamental laws and when we abide by them, the circumstances of our life flow like a stream. We create every experience through our thoughts. Therefore, if we wish to heal the past, we ought to concede that nothing is an accident but results from our thinking. Is this an idea you are willing to embrace? Irrespective of your life’s experience up till now, are you willing to give life a chance?

When you make it a priority to heal yourself first, everything falls into place. When we perceive life differently, outside circumstances begin to reflect our thoughts. Granted, it may take a while but what is the rush? I often hear people talk about healing to the extent it is now embellished on social media with inspirational quotes. But no one tells us what it requires because no two paths to healing are the same. Some people spend their entire life healing and are still wounded. Healing requires understanding we are already whole as spiritual beings, yet throughout life we take on beliefs that distort this sense of wholeness. Healing is seeing past the illusion we are broken or need to be fixed. Whilst healing is important, integrating our wounds into the wholeness of our true nature is vital. We were never broken to begin with but lose our way throughout our earthly existence.

Healing requires putting the pieces of our life back together and stripping away what is not essential. It requires letting go of negativity by way of: fear, anger, anxiety and other dis-empowering states. These states find their way into our psyche and just like a computer virus, cause destruction until it takes over. Our job is to heal these distorted beliefs and replace them with the truth. We are none of these things and that is why healing is a return to love; the place we originated from and where we will eventually return. This is the essence of the message espoused by the spiritual teacher and author Matt Khan who writes in Everything Is Here to Help You: A Loving Guide to Your Soul’s Evolution: “When rooted in the vibration of love, we don’t have to be completely healed in order to bring forth the kindness and care that already dwells within us. Love inspires us to console the innocence within our heart that wishes it felt something other than how things are.” With this in mind, your task over the coming days is to write down a list of what you believe is standing in your way of living a remarkable life. On a separate page, write down whether you know for certain this is true? How can you re-frame these beliefs? What needs to change to create empowering beliefs and are you prepared to do the work? Once we heal ourselves, life begins to mirror our inner world because we have attended to the root cause of our pain.

To Fully Heal, We Must First Find Meaning In Our Trauma

Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.

Denice Frogman

Each of us carries wounds from childhood. For some, the pain is intense, bringing with it a sense of relived trauma, while others may not be fully aware of their wounds, even when triggered by external events. Life is difficult and complex at times. We’re not born with an instruction manual and must learn to cope with life as we go along.

Has this been your experience in life? One minute, things don’t make sense, and the next, something comes along that you’re not prepared for? We never know what life has in store for us, but we can use this to our advantage, much like a surfer anticipating the next big wave that will take them on a wild ride.

To heal the past, we must find meaning in our trauma, otherwise we become victims instead of co-creators of our life’s experience.

As Denise Frogman refers to in the title quote: I made healing my responsibility, even though the wounds were not my fault.

Excluding childhood abuse, there are often important lessons contained within our childhood experiences. Sometimes it means excavating the past like an archaeologist and sorting through the ruins. There was an Instagram post recently that caught my attention that said: “Nobody really tells you this but sometimes the healing hurts more than the wound.” I can truly attest to this, as working through my healing has come with many challenges. We tend to turn away and give up on ourselves when we go on the healing journey because the wounds are too difficult to face. Rather than run away, we ought to tune into them and make peace with what is holding us back. Is this something you’re willing to give your attention to? It is why many don’t take the journey into themselves to heal their traumas. Healing is a difficult and sometimes a long journey that requires a commitment to move through it boldly.

Finding meaning in our trauma requires digging up the past and deciding what is worth keeping and what should be left behind. This can be difficult because no one wants to process pain, especially when things are going well. But if we don’t turn towards our pain with openness and compassion, it will come barrelling down on us when we least expect it. It will strike us like a cargo train out of control, and all we can do is brace for impact. So, we must decide to work through it at our own pace. In doing so, we heal the past and gain new insights about ourselves. I discovered an abiding spirit of resilience and tenacity throughout my healing journey. I never knew I could withstand the pain until I undertook the journey into myself.

How about you? Are you willing to heal your wounds and find meaning in your trauma? Perhaps some of you are already on that journey, perhaps working through it alone or with a trained therapist. Be kind and compassionate with yourself, because healing is a courageous and worthwhile gift to ourselves. Discovering the essence of who we truly are beneath our scars and wounds requires us to be sensitive to our emotional needs. Because the person who emerges from the pain is not the same person who experienced it.

With this in mind, I’d like you to give some attention to the following questions: Are you truly committed to healing the wounds of the past? What do you hope to achieve through the healing process? Who do you wish to become? Are there aspects of your past too painful to confront? It is once we take a bold step towards wholeness that we transcend our trauma and find meaning in our experiences.

MODALITIES FOR HEALING EMOTIONAL TRAUMA

Emotional healing Techniques: We cannot Heal Physically without Healing Emotionally

Many of us go through life experiencing a whole host of traumatic things.  When we are young, there is an especially hard time dealing with any sort of trauma, whether it be abuse, the death of a loved one, constant bullying, or anything else that can impact our life.  Childhood trauma itself is linked to so many chronic illnesses (source), but in our society this never really gets addressed. Either the child goes through general therapy sessions that really don’t help the situation or they outright get ignored and told to just move on with their life.

I’ve often read that children lack the ability to even emotionally heal from the traumas they deal with as kids. I really believe this because I have personally gone through many traumas as a child, and I remember never truly understanding why things were happening to me or what to do about them. We are just not mature enough to process the emotions that we go through. Because of this, our health can suffer because most will start to repress these emotions. And we can actually STORE these emotions in the body! Generational trauma is also something else to continue- pain can travel through generations until someone is ready to deal with it.

But when it comes to health, we are all individuals. Because of this biochemical individuality, not everyone will do well with the same form of healing. Here is a big list of healing modalities – do what speaks to YOU!

Some great ways to help HEAL trauma

Mineral Balancing

It wasn’t until I learned about minerals that I started learning about how events in our childhood could influence our health. In HTMA and mineral balancing science, it is well known that traumatic situations (especially long term and unresolved) can wreak havoc on the body.  We start to get into that cycle of fight-or-flight that we cannot break out of and we burn through sodium, potassium, and many other minerals like crazy.  Eventually, these minerals start to tank and we are left in physical burnout that can lead to illnesses such as fibromyalgia, thyroid disorders, adrenal fatigue, autoimmune illnesses, and more. The trauma creates a stressful situation in the body and uses up our nutrients, which leads to a state of illness. This can be something that happens directly after an incident or something that takes decades to build up. (source).  Also, many of these minerals that we can become deficient in can lead to addictions as well, which further messes with our health and mineral balance.

Addressing your mineral imbalances can help to physically strengthen the body, which in turn will help you when you are ready to heal emotional trauma. Many people with severe adrenal exhaustion have reported that they attempted emotional healing techniques when they were still very physically weak and it ended up making them crash further. Depending on where you are in your health journey, you could be one that needs to work on building up physical strength first or you might need to start addressing the emotional before the physical side will even budge. 

There are many HTMA patterns that are common with those with prolonged trauma.  The most common thing we see is a calcium shell, where calcium can start to build up to extremely high levels (usually as it approaches 200 and above- normal levels are between 40-50). This can create a sort of defense mechanism, so the person dealing with chronic stress will be in an almost numb, apathetic state to help protect them from feeling all of the things they should be feeling during stress.  Those with calcium shells eventually feel this shell crack when they begin to heal, and they might have bouts of time where they experience the emotions that they used to hold in.

Homeopathy

Homeopathy is energy medicine and works deep to heal the whole body at once.  This means physical AND emotional issues can get healed. 

EMDR

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  This is a “psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. Repeated studies show that by using EMDR therapy people can experience the benefits of psychotherapy that once took years to make a difference. It is widely assumed that severe emotional pain requires a long time to heal. EMDR therapy shows that the mind can in fact heal from psychological trauma much as the body recovers from physical trauma. ” (source)

EFT

Emotional Freedom technique is not new, but it has been garnering a lot of attention over the last few years in the natural health field. This method uses meridian tapping to harness your body’s energy to heal itself.  Many people swear by this method.  Doing EFT on your own can help too, but some only notice the benefit if they speak with a practitioner. YouTube has plenty of how-to videos too!

Retraining your mindset

For some people, it really is “mind over matter”.  Creating a healing mantra can help immensely. Something easy you can remember and repeat to yourself several times a day or just when things are getting rough is good.  Mine used to be, “I am happy, healthy, and whole.”  When we are constantly thinking about our pain or stress, it really can KEEP us in that physical state of illness.  In order to heal, we have to start thinking positive about everything: our situations, our bodies, the people in our life, and how we think (even if we don’t share our thoughts).  Sometimes we are the ones responsible for breaking the chain of negative thinking!

Myofascial Release Therapy

Myofascial Release is a safe and very effective hands-on technique that involves applying gentle sustained pressure into the Myofascial connective tissue restrictions to eliminate pain and restore motion.

Check out more here.

Other Ideas:

  • Art Therapy
  • Music Therapy
  • Talk therapy
  • Just making friends can be a helper, especially if you have become a bit withdrawn because of chronic illness
  • Dr. Caroline Leaf’s Brain Detox
  • Breathing methods like Buteyko
  • Yoga and meditation
  • Write a letter to your abusers, even if you never send it. Some even write something up and then destroy it!
  • Flower Essences
  • Cranial Sacral Therapy
  • Reiki
  • Acupuncture
  • Books like “Your Body Speaks your Mind“, “The Healing Codes

Just know that you are not alone in your healing.  There are plenty of people in your life that will help if you give them the chance (hopefully!).

Whatever method you choose to heal, I hope that you all find your peace <3

Sometimes It’s A Blessing That You Didn’t Get What You Prayed For

When I look back on some of the things I prayed for in the past, I feel lucky and grateful that they didn’t happen because now that I know better, some of the things I prayed for would have ruined my life. You see, it’s not that God didn’t answer your prayer, he answered it by not giving it to you. It was his way of telling you that this is not going to serve you and one day you will know exactly why.

Sometimes it’s a blessing that it didn’t work out with someone you wanted to be with because they weren’t good for you or they had circumstances that you wouldn’t have been able to live with because you hear what people say about them now or you see what kind of partner they are and you get why God didn’t make it happen. Sometimes it doesn’t work out because you were meant to find someone better for you or make room for them to show up.

Sometimes it’s a blessing that you didn’t get the job you wanted because you didn’t know what kind of environment you were going to be in and it pushed you to be creative and look outside your field or your comfort zone and you found something that motivated you more, something you were more passionate about and something you can actually make a difference in. There’s always a bigger reason why you weren’t granted your wishes and the reason is always valid and serving your best interest.

Sometimes God doesn’t answer your prayer the way you want to but he answers them in his own way. Maybe that looks like rejection or failure or heartbreak or injustice in the beginning but when you accept that reality and start moving on with your life, you look back and you understand how his answer was much better than yours. You look back and you secretly thank him for changing your path or your calling or your heart. You thank him for removing certain people and opportunities from your life because now you know how toxic they could have been. Now you know what’s right for you and what you deserve and that’s something God knew all along.

Sometimes it’s a blessing that you didn’t get what you prayed for because that means that God has better plans for you and his blessings will exceed everything you once prayed for. When you figure out God’s vision behind your unanswered prayers, you will understand that sometimes he protects you from yourself.

Nobody Else Can Heal You

I’m not saying you have to have it all seamlessly together to be loved. I actually think that real love grows when someone finds unspeakable beauty in the place you’ve been cut open. But the thing is, you can’t expect someone else to heal those wounds. They can love you and that love can facilitate healing, but you are the only person who can heal yourself. Nobody else will ever be able to alleviate your burdens. It may seem like it for a little while, but the brokenness of your foundation will always show eventually.

Yes, love is transformative and enlightening and humbling and probably the most real thing we can experience. It is responsible for a whole slew of meticulousness, but romantic love will not solve your problems. The high you get from the newness of someone will eventually subside, as it always does, and you’ll be left even more raw than you were before, facing the brutal reality that the thing you were waiting for to fix everything didn’t.

It’s for this reason that I believe we often see people undergoing self-transformations after breakups. Of course there are other reasons for these behaviors, but I do think that in many cases, it has to do with people realizing that nobody else is responsible for resolving their own issues.

People and love can be the most integral part of the healing process. But you can’t just wait for somebody else to do the work. You have to get your ass on the floor, realize that you’re imperfect and you feel unworthy and you’ve made mistakes and you’re afraid of this and that and the other thing. You have to come to terms with these things that are inside you. You don’t have to like them. You just have to be able to sit with them. You have to be okay enough to still be standing on your own if and when somebody leaves you there.

The happily ever after will not save you, and the love of your life will not heal you. They will only love you, and while that may facilitate great healing, it can also be the source of your demise if things don’t work out until the day you die of old age. If your peace and acceptance is contingent on someone else, and if your hope is external, you do not really have any of those things. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you do, it will be a price that you alone will have to pay.