I Am Slowly Learning To Find My Way

I am slowly learning to keep going and take small baby steps every day even when it feels like it isn’t going to account much.

It’s easy to be envious of the glamorous lives of those who seem to have it all and feel bitter about how much I am lacking in comparison. It’s easy to focus on what is going wrong and wallowing in my self-pity. It’s easy to give up and look for an escape route the minute I see sign of trouble. It’s easy to feel that I’m stuck in a rut and doing nothing to change my situation.

But slowly, I learn that I don’t have to resign to fate thinking that this is the best I can get. Neither do I have to resist what is happening and fighting futilely against reality.

All I can do is do my best every day of my life. I won’t live for the weekend and waste the rest of my days not truly living. I won’t get comfortable with the comfort zone and forget my ultimate dream.

I may be lost right now not knowing what is my next step but I will continue to find and see where and what my passion lies. I won’t give up thinking that this is all that there is to life. I will work hard knowing that I’m proud of what I do. I will continue to look for opportunities and hustle until I get there.

I am slowly learning to believe in myself even in the face of crippling self-doubt and difficult circumstances.

It’s true that life hasn’t been going well for the longest time. Instead of blaming the circumstances, everyone around me, and the universe that brings me to such a state, I’m going to examine carefully why it is so. I believe that while I cannot seek to control every aspect that happens to me, I can choose the way I react.

In a world that is constantly telling me I’m not enough, I’m slowly learning to hold onto faith. That I’m enough as flawed and imperfect I am. That I’m making a difference around me however small it is. That as long as I’m doing my best and I’m satisfied with what I have, it is enough.

There is no right way to live and no such thing as a correct path that I should be taking. Success varies with everyone and I should not be overly concerned with what others think of me. It’s more important to be doing what I think it’s right and to be myself instead of wanting to impress them. They are not I and vice versa.

I am slowly learning that it’s okay if I don’t feel my best right now because eventually, I will find my way.

I must confess that it’s getting harder each day and sometimes, I wish for an easier life. I wonder why things happened the way they did. I hope for good things to happen for me without going through all the struggles and hardship.

But whenever I think back to how far I have come, I seek comfort in my ability to strive under pressure, my optimism to see light in the darkest tunnel, and my resilience to keep going even when life seems unbearable.

I am not a stranger to failure and I have my fair share of rejection. I’m not talented and I don’t have any special skill. My life is not enviable and it’s far from being perfect.

I may not be many things but you know what, I’m a survivor and I know that I will be okay.

11 Signs You’re Healing Past Trauma You Didn’t Even Know You Had

Trauma is sneaky in that it is subtle. It is so subtle, in fact, we can allow it to become normalized to the point that we forget it exists, until, of course, something triggers it and we are back at square one. Trauma is likewise not always what we think it might be — we’re all traumatized from a variety of experiences, ranging in intensity. These are a few of the signs that you’re beginning to process trauma that you didn’t even know you had.

1. You’re confused by your feelings.

It’s not just that you’re hyper-sensitive, it’s that you’re emotional in ways that just don’t quite make sense.

You might find yourself over or under-reacting to situations or world events. You might find yourself crying once an hour, or struggling to understand what you feel at all.

All of this is a symptom of a fundamental disconnect between you and your nervous system. In order to survive, you had to tune out your authentic feelings. Of course, this is unsustainable, so once you open yourself up to sensing them again, you’re met with an onslaught of confusion and out-of-place emotionality.

You need time to process.

Then, slowly, you need to reconnect with your ability to intuit your needs and wants.

2. You’re recalling memories you totally forgot about.

Memory suppression is another classic sign of trauma.

If you are suddenly remembering all of these experiences or instances you completely forgot about, chances are you were more traumatized by them than you think. You tuned them out in order to carry on, and now, you’re actually ready to unpack their significance in your life.

3. You’ve reached a peak of success or stability.

Though it seems counterintuitive, this is precisely the point at which most people begin emotionally unraveling.

This is simply because you are no longer just trying to survive. For a long time, your emotional health had to take a back seat while you struggled to find some stability. Now that you have it, those feelings are ready to be addressed so you can actually find fulfillment and growth.

4. You’re questioning your direction in life.

There’s a good chance that a lot of the decisions you made in your life were decided upon from a place of trauma.

You may very well look back and feel embarrassed or confused about why you dated someone, or posted something, or acted in one particular way or another.

Though you don’t need to guilt and shame yourself for your mistakes, this is actually a sign of growth. Recognizing that you behave differently today is actually a positive thing.

5. You’re experiencing an array of physical symptoms.

The tension in your shoulders and gut that you’ve had for as long as you can remember? It’s probably not unrelated to anxiety and trauma.

The same is true for a lot of “unexplainable” physical discomforts. Now, instead of just trying to treat the symptoms, you’re willing to address their causes.

6. You feel totally numbed out, or apathetic about other people’s suffering.

Ironically, many people who have suffered greatly can begin to feel apathetic about other people’s suffering simply because it’s too much of an emotional overload.

When this occurs, it’s not necessarily that you’re a bad person or that you’ve lost your empathy. It might just mean that you need to hold space for your own feelings, and process your own emotions, before you can offer the same to someone else.

7. You feel guilt or shame for no clear reason.

If the foundation of your self-worth is built on being overcorrected, judged, shamed and humiliated, you might still be carrying that around with you today.

If you feel guilty or embarrassed over innocuous things, or for no reason at all, it’s probably a past trauma that you’re still reacting to without realizing. You’re so scared of being made to feel that way again, you impose it on yourself so that nobody can hurt you first.

8. You feel as though your every move is being “watched,” judged, or evaluated by someone in a negative way.

This is another way that hypervigilance takes control of our lives.

Unable to recognize that we are no longer in danger, our bodies continue to respond as though a threat is imminent. This not only depletes our health and energy, it is the root of all traumatic experiences: an inability to discern that the event is over.

Practicing mindfulness and grounding techniques along with your other emotional processing work can be helpful for managing this.

9. You’re mentally foggy, and it’s hard to concentrate.

Yet again, your mind is overstimulated from trying to respond to too many things at once.

In this case, you have to remember that feelings aren’t always facts — they are valid experiences but don’t always say something accurate about who we are or what our future might be.

Similarly, the thoughts that we might get lost in are not always predictive or realistic. Sometimes, we are simply responding to out-of-control emotions and end up in a spiral that it’s hard to get out of.

10. You’re withdrawing from others.

While this isn’t sustainable long-term, sometimes, being alone is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves.

When we remove ourselves from other people’s expectations and needs, we’re able to start responding to our own. We’re able to be more expressive about our emotions, and we’re also able to figure out who we are independent of who we imagine other people need us to be.

Being alone forever isn’t healthy, and connection is essential for us to thrive. But being alone for a while, and especially while you are healing, can be extremely powerful.

11. You’re questioning what you once thought to be true.

Your old belief system simply cannot carry you into this next phase of your life.

You’re ready to start pulling apart a lot of what you built as a response to your trauma, and as a way to survive.

You’re ready to build a new worldview that is more accurate, more realistic, and in which you are a capable and competent person capable of living a good life — no matter what is or isn’t in your past.

When You’re Hurting, This Is For You

I know life gets hard sometimes. I know there are days when you feel like are standing in the eye of a hurricane and there’s nothing you can do to find a way out. I know there are times when you feel like you’re lost in the big vast sea and the shore is nowhere to be found. And it’s right there when you are at your lowest low, when are you seeing your entire world fall apart before your eyes when you begin to wonder what the point to all of this is. Why it has to hurt like this. Why life has to feel so heavy on your shoulders. There are going to be days when the whys will break you and leave you searching for answers that are not there. I know it feels like you will never make it out of the darkness. I know it feels like you won’t survive. But trust me, somehow, you will. Someone very wise once told me, “It is an ending, but it’s not the end.”

Hang in there. Because I promise that one day, not too far from today, the air you breathe won’t feel like fire entering your lungs anymore. One day you will only see this moment as a lesson. A distant memory that doesn’t weigh you down like it used to. Yes, you’ll have some scars but they won’t hurt. They will just be there to remind you that you survived every single battle you thought you couldn’t.

One day you will wake up wrapped in that warm cozy feeling that for the first time in a very long time, everything is okay. You will stand in the balcony of the apartment you always dreamt of having and you will see the sun rising and you’ll breathe in the pure air of the young morning, and for once, you will be there, with nowhere to run to and nowhere to escape from, because for some strange but beautiful reason you just know you’re exactly where you are meant to be.

One day you will wake up and realize that you don’t break as much as you used to. You are stronger than you’ve ever been in your entire life. And that day you’ll come to terms with the fact that in the end, it was everything that made us fall that taught us how to fly.

Have Faith—There Is A Plan For All Of This

Have faith, there is a plan for all of this.

You might feel the lowest you’ve ever felt. You may feel like the world is crashing down. Trust me, I’ve been there too.

When the days seem to drag together. When happiness seems impossible to find. You wonder what the point to all this is. Why it hurts to breathe. Why it hurts to live. What could possibly be the reason?

When there’s nothing to look forward to. Have faith. And trust the timing of your life. Those feelings are temporary and will get better.

We all struggle. We all have those days. But what happens when you seem to be stuck in a crossroads?

You let go to god. You have to believe. You have to have faith that things will get better.

So breathe. Maybe you constantly feel like you’re on the brink of tears. That one wrong word could send you into a downhill spiral.

When the bad days outnumber the good. When you disassociate from everyone. When you just don’t want to do socialize. That is when you have to breathe. Collect yourself. Just remember that life is a bunch of highs and lows. You’re not alone.

Sit down and journal. Text an old friend. Listen to your favorite music. And breathe.

We may not understand the struggles of life, but maybe one day they will make sense. Maybe one day you will look back and be thankful for the struggles. Because they made you stronger. Wiser. They made you someone who is able to face adversity and look it straight in the eye.

It made you tough. The challenges have made you who you are. Calm the voices in your head. Sit alone in silence. Recognize all the good in your life, as hard as it seems.

And trust the timing.

One day you’ll look back on this period in your life and be thankful.

Sometimes the struggles are what make us stronger.

So for now, just have faith. There is a plan for all of this.