I used to think healing was simply getting over someone that hurt you or did you wrong. I thought it was just moving on and forgetting. Like the person didn’t happen at all. An un tag. An unfollow. Deleting them as a friend. That’s how you are supposed to heal right? But the truth is healing isn’t about forgetting the person. It isn’t about trying to forget the memories that used to make you smile. Healing isn’t just growing silent when it comes to talking about them because your friends are tired of healing it.
Healing is acknowledging the fact that the person mattered. That you had a history that isn’t worth forgetting. Healing is about moving on at your own pace not when someone tells you, you should be over it. Healing is about waking up every single day and knowing it’s okay to look back. It’s okay to reach for your phone hoping you hear from them. It’s okay that you haven’t healed yet. Because healing is a process. Healing takes time. And the truth is even when you’ve moved on and you’re dating someone new there are going to be moments that hit you, where you miss them.
Healing is understanding your pain. Respecting your pain. Looking it dead in the eyes and understanding why you feel the way you do. It’s analyzing things and replaying scenarios but one day it hits you XYZ is why it didn’t work out.
It’s having that day where even if they did come back you wouldn’t choose them again. Healing isn’t forgetting. It isn’t as simple as forgiving them either. It’s forgiving yourself too. It’s taking a hard look at the person you were in the relationship and finding areas you could improve in the next relationship. It’s understanding even someone you swore you loved might not be meant for you.
Healing is moving past that initial anger and just wanting them to be happy even if it’s without you. It’s someone saying their name and you don’t cringe. It’s your best friend talking about them and you don’t have anything bad or negative to say. Healing is the respect you have for yourself and your ex because even if it did end, that doesn’t erase your history.
Healing is beginning to date again and not comparing their best to someone new. It’s realizing that things didn’t work for a reason and you can’t be hung up on it. It’s watching them move on and being okay with that pain at first but then moving forward yourself and not clinging to it.
Healing is when you see them out and you don’t have to leave. When civil conversations don’t make you angry. When seeing them post something might make you miss them for a moment but you don’t dwell anymore.
Healing is allowing all those ugly emotions to get flushed out of your system instead of harboring them there. It’s letting go when you’re ready. On your own agenda.
Then you take that next small step. You start dating when you’re ready. When you’re able to give someone your best. When falling for them is genuine and not because you are lonely.
Healing is a process. A process we sometimes feel guilty for as emotions we don’t like come to the surface. But it’s those emotions that are essential to moving on.
Then you move on and you realize every person we’ve ever loved we take with us and they are never really gone or that far when their memory leaves an imprint on our heart.
I believe that every single one of us has a unique gift and task that we came here to accomplish.
When you move inward and make the deliberate decision to heal in mind, body and spirit, you create space in your conscious mind to discover what this is. Your life experiences are the puzzle pieces leading you to a higher path. Unfortunately, for many of us, these pieces will go unnoticed because of the powerful distractions our ego-mind has found comfort in.
Most of us consciously and unconsciously choose to avoid pain. We try to drown it out with any distraction we can; scrolling through social media, snacking, binge-watching Netflix, gossiping or using drugs and alcohol to escape the “mundane-reality” of day to day life.
Others find comfort within the pain and continue to reopen their wounds over and over again without ever truly going deep enough to heal them. They tell the same heartbreaking story again and again because their pain has taken over their ego identity. Instead of using the pain as a stepping stone to improve their life, they have allowed it to define their place in the world. Rather than transforming their pain into purpose, they have allowed their purpose in life to be their pain.
Underneath the pain you are carrying is the key to this deeper understanding of your soul. Within you, you hold all the wisdom, power, and clarity you need to move into your higher path and purpose.
What kind of pain are you transforming?
Pain from your childhood, heartbreak, abandonment, loneliness, longing?
While your pain is unique to you, we are all one, and we all hurt. Every human being suffers; it is a critical component of our human experience. The good news is, we all have the power within us to transform any suffering, pain, and fear into the powerful energy of healing and love. This is the energy that supports you in receiving all of the goodness you’ve been calling into your life.
Collectively, I believe our goal is to raise the vibrations and consciousness of humanity. In other words – to change the world.
We do this by transforming our pain individually. This then allows us to become a leading light to help spark the fire of change in others.
Pain is your teacher and holds a great purpose. You must be willing to face the discomfort. Feel the pain, and learn the lessons you are meant to learn to discover the gifts hidden within them. Every painful experience you overcome is an opportunity to transform. You can shift the low vibrational, dense energy into the higher vibrations of love, abundance, peace, and freedom.
Our ego often leads us to believe that no one else can understand our pain. It convinces us that we are alone in our suffering.
This type of thinking allows pain to create a further disconnect between us.
The truth is, our suffering has the potential to bring us closer together as one. Through overcoming challenges, we have an opportunity to move towards a more collective state of consciousness. When you make the conscious choice to heal from the past and learn from your pain, you expand in your capacity to empathize, love and have compassion for others. You’re now able to understand the heartbreak someone else could be feeling because you have fully endured it yourself. You can now put yourself in the shoes of their experience, and see beyond yourself, beyond your suffering. Knowing that healing is possible, you can now help another person by inspiring them with what is possible when you turn your pain into power.
Whatever your experiences have been, and whatever your suffering, please know that you are not alone. Your pain is serving a powerful purpose. This was all part of your plan. You are strong enough to overcome it, but it takes patience and courage to face the darkness and transform it into light.
For many of us, this initial sadness stems from childhood, a time when we were too small to deal with our hurt. Because of this, we have become so good at avoiding and covering up the pain that we’ve forgotten it even exists – but it is there. You carry it around with you everywhere you go, and it is not going to go away until you confront it.
There are many things you can do to support your mind, body and soul in this healing journey such as
Self Reflection & Healing Support Strategies
Discovering who you are, beyond your thoughts, is a game-changer. When you begin to notice how many of your thoughts are fueled by negativity and fear, in an attempt to keep you “safe” from your pain, you’ll gain the strength and momentum you need to heal. The good news is that thoughts are just thoughts; they are not who you are. With awareness, compassion and kindness towards yourself, along with your healing, you can begin to change them.
Meditation & Mindfulness
Our minds are created to think and think and think, but sometimes we need to give it a little break to get the answers we’re looking for. Even just practicing mindfulness and meditation for two minutes a day can be life-changing. Try not to get caught up in the “I don’t know how to meditate” or “I can’t do it.” The purpose is not to stop your thoughts; it’s to become aware of them. You will do this by shifting your focus back to your breath over and over again, perhaps even hundreds of times in a single meditation.
You can write about feeling stuck. Create a list of what you have to be grateful for. Or reflect on an experience from the past. Try not to overthink it; write whatever is coming through to you. There is no wrong way to journal.
Some questions you may want to reflect on to get you started;
“What is my ego-mind trying to protect me from?”
“When did I first start forgetting about my power?”
“What is the next best step I should take in my healing journey?”
Turning off Electronics
Simply unplugging from your phone and other electronic devices can help you quiet down the noise and distractions of the outside world to connect with your world within.
Inner Child Work
Many people are unaware that most of their pain and trauma stems from childhood. This is why working with and healing your inner child is so transformational. Quantum physics has proven that time is not linear, which means that you have the power to heal the child within you now, thus changing your current situation in more ways than you can imagine.
Recognize Your Ego-Comfort Distractions
Where does your ego run to when your feeling uncomfortable? Snacks, exes, drama, Instagram? As soon as you recognize your comfort coping strategies, you can begin to bring your pain into your conscious mind by getting curious as to what’s fuelling the escape.
Get Support With Healing
Healing is the ultimate tool for taking ownership of your life and transforming it for the better. It’s essential to recognize when it’s time to reach out for additional support. We’re all in this together to support one another on our journey. You are never alone.
Whatever happened in the past is in the past. All that we have right now is this moment, and it is at this moment that you can choose to create a new path for yourself in the future. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You’re not a slave to your mind. You are the creator of your reality, and you can choose to live whatever life you desire to live.
Transform your life from the inside out and create a life you LOVE.
I have seen your forgiving heart. I have seen your grace.
I have seen you be selfless so many times, giving all your love to the ones closest to you, and even to strangers. I have seen you smile on your worst days, and find the strength to keep on giving, even when you can barely lift your head.
You are incredibly beautiful, inside and out, never giving up on the ones you love, even when you’re exhausted by the world.
I watch you, day after day, pick up the chipped pieces of yourself and stick them together with a tape that’s barely strong enough to get you through the next night.
Yet you continue.
You give your heart to people who don’t see your beauty through the brokenness. You console and comfort friends who do not understand the power of your care, your forgiveness.
You surround yourself with people that you need to fix, with people that you must work to love. But even when you fall into your bed at the end of each night, you don’t see what an incredible difference you’ve made.
You think that you deserve the cold words, the turned faces. You think you deserve friends that pull away and men who don’t love you back.
You somehow turn everything back to yourself, and wonder if you’ll ever be good enough.
Well you are good enough. You’re more than enough.
I wish I could tell you that you are noticed. That the wonderful, little ways you brighten people’s lives are important. Are valued. I wish I could tell you that your eyes sparkle and bring life to ones’ whose days feel dull and empty. That your smile lifts people from their anger. That your laugh makes those around you want to close their eyes and lean their heads back to bask in the sweet sound.
I wish I could tell you that God has made you perfect, just as you are—a fighter, a sinner, a flawed and broken and beautiful warrior of love.
I wish I could tell you to keep loving, even when the world looks the other way.
I wish I could tell you that sometimes you give your heart to people who don’t deserve it, in love or in friendship, and it becomes a hard lesson learned.
I wish I could tell you that you must never accept a half-love, a love that is nowhere near the amount you give.
I wish I could tell you that you are a blessing to so many people. And that you need to bless yourself sometimes.
I wish I could tell you that life will be so hard, but you must keep on living. That you must find reasons to celebrate, to pull strength, to stay pure, even when people hurt you.
I wish I could tell you that you will face so much pain, but you cannot let it break you. You must find a way to see yourself, your worth, and know that you are an important part of this world.
I wish I could tell you that you matter. And you are loved.
Maybe your family is far away. Maybe you’re living on your own. Maybe you truly do feel like no one is with you and no one hears you. You’re wrong. I’m here. I’m listening.
2. Your life isn’t nearly as bad as your anxiety is.
Your anxiety has a nasty habit of giving you a heightened sense of panic. It’s just a bad few minutes. Find an empty room, a bathroom stall, a closet–it doesn’t have to be pretty. Just find one, and take a moment to breathe, and you’ll realize that life isn’t nearly as bad as it feels right now.
3. Every tiny victory is one you can use to help someone else.
There’s one thing I always told myself when I was having a rough day, and that was this: every tiny victory, no matter how small it is, is a chance to help someone else. I’ve been on the edge, and I’ll take every opportunity to talk the next person off it.
4. There’s always someone to talk to. You get have to raise your head and take a look around.
There’s always someone there. For me, it was the one lonely star outside my window. I could see it just peek out from behind the trees every night. It was what I talked to. It was always there. You’ll get there too. You’ll find someone that understands, and you’ll realize that they are just a phone call away.
5. Realize the world is so big and there are so many things left for you to do.
You will survive this day. You will go on to do all the great things that I know you can do. You will make it. I know it.
6. The rest of the world doesn’t see your crippling anxiety, they see your beautiful smile.
You’re going to have to learn to show it more often. It sure is beautiful.
7. You always somehow end up surviving.
Funny how that works. Even when you feel like you’re going to die, even when you’ve given all you can give, even when you’re so close to breaking that you can see the fault lines–we always somehow survive.
8. You are so much more than just your anxiety.
You are a sister or brother, a daughter or son, a friend, a mentor. You are somebody’s everything. Someone wakes up every morning thanking God you’re in their life. Keep it that way.
9. Don’t let it label you.
You aren’t simply what your anxiety tells you to be. You are better than it. You can overcome it. You can be so much more than just a list of symptoms. You just have to believe in yourself.
10. Don’t go. You have so much left to teach us.
This world needs you. It’s not your time just yet.
Stop sitting up at night, replaying all of your awkward moments in your head. Stop thinking about the ways you have screwed up in the past. Stop selling yourself short, because you are better than your worst days.
Everyone has said things they aren’t proud of saying. Everyone has done things they wish they could erase from their mind. Everyone has regrets about what they have done and what they have failed to do.
You can’t let your worst moments define you. Failing once does not mean you are going to fail every other time you put yourself out there. It does not mean you should give up and go home.
If one person rejects you, that does not mean you should stop dating forever. If one boss fires you, that does not mean you should stop working forever. It does not mean you should throw up your hands and say you tried your hardest but it wasn’t good enough. You have to dust yourself off and take another shot.
You can’t let your doubts stall you. You can’t hide yourself away in your bedroom because you’re worried about history repeating itself.
Whenever something goes wrong, you have to try again. You have to give it another go. You have to work your ass off to get where you want to end up.
Don’t let one bad experience convince you to give up on yourself. Don’t let your insecurities chew away your desire to chase your dreams.
You have to keep in mind that you are better than your worst days. You are stronger than you will ever admit to yourself. You might not see how powerful you are, but ask one of your friends and see what they have to say. They are sure to raise your spirits, raise your hopes, and raise your expectations for yourself.
You are doing better than you give yourself credit for, so stop hating yourself when you should be loving yourself.
You are strong, even when you break down in tears. You are beautiful, even when you feel too gross to leave the house. You are going to make something of yourself, even though you feel like you keep screwing up every opportunity that comes your way.
One day, everything will fall into place. Not because the universe owes you something. Because you are going to work your ass off until it happens.
You have the courage. You have the dedication. You just can’t give up on yourself, even when you are tempted to stop trying.
No matter how hard life becomes, stop acting like the world is against you, because the world is in the palm of your hand. You can do whatever you set your heart on — it just won’t happen overnight. It takes time. Patience. Effort.
If you want something, you can get it. You can make it happen as long as you never forget that you are better than your worst days. You are stronger than your weakest moments.
The struggle can be real…so real that you can’t stand it. So real that you can’t stand up because you feel stuck. Stuck in depression, desperation, despair. I want you to know, it’s NOT in your head. It doesn’t define you. You can and will move forward.
Give yourself the grace and mercy to feel what you’re feeling. The pain you’ve felt is not a mere story you tell yourself. It’s easy for others to dismiss it as such but you know what you feel isn’t just a story. It consumes you like a hungry fire, searching for oxygen, enveloping you in the pain of living. On these days, living, breathing, simple tasks like opening your eyes, can be difficult and doesn’t seem worth it. I know that feeling. I’ve been in that space. You are not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you can’t feel this hurt. But allow yourself to have the hope that you can rise again from this.
It’s not easy to hold on to hope when you feel your life slipping from your grasp. But dig your nails in and swing from its ledge. It will not crumble and let you fall. Hold on to the belief that things can change. That they WILL change. Whether you believe in something higher than yourself (God, the Universe, a Creator of some sort, etc), or whether you simply believe in yourself, hold on to that belief that you are worthy of being saved. Even if the only one to save you is yourself. Even in the darkness, where it’s hardest to believe this, when it’s hardest to believe because the pain is so thick, I beg you to hold on anyway because you are worth the effort. You are worth fighting for.
I hope you know that your space in this world matters. If you don’t believe anything else, know that. You are worthy simply because you are here. You are the personification of unabashed effort, faith and love. You can get through the darkest of hours to reach your clearing where peace resides. A peace that not only surpasses all understanding, but can replace the pain that you have felt for so long that you don’t know that there’s another, better way. Know that you are worth holding on to and for. You are worth the time you need to take for your mercy, grace, sanity…you are worth having the time you need to see your worthiness. And you are worth the journey it takes to get to your peace.
On your darkest days…in your darkest hours…hold on my dear. Your time is coming.
How much of life is about putting on a brave face and getting on with it? As human beings, we master the art of “keeping going” very young. In time it becomes more and more natural for us to surrender to the demands of society and adulthood, because that is simply just what we do. It’s what we’ve always done. It’s how we survive. We keep on keeping on- for our bosses, our parents, our partners, and ourselves.
However, the brain is not designed to sustain this constant state of “go”. The conscious mind is so reluctant to discomfort that we begin to suppress, avoid, and/or ignore things that we shouldn’t to protect the flow of our daily routines. These seemingly little things we tuck away will continue to snowball over time, until eventually, all of those pent-up emotions and frustrations can no longer be contained. We break, and it feels like the ultimate calamity. This spontaneous combustion may leave us unable to get out of bed, or it may influence us to partake in risky/reckless behaviors. Regardless of how a “breakdown” may present itself, it is important to recognize that it is actually just an inarticulate bid for health. It is not the end of the world as it seems, but rather an extreme attempt by one part of our minds to force the other into a process of growth, self-understanding, and self-development.
So I am urging you to listen. Embrace those feelings of hopelessness, but rather than letting them consume you, dissect their cause. Remind yourself they are temporary; your brain has just exhausted its ability to choose one conscious thought over another. It is craving relief that only you can provide by making those necessary changes that once seemed so inconvenient. Prioritize yourself. Slow down. Cut ties with the people and the things in your life that are causing unnecessary stress. Have those hard conversations you’ve been putting off for so long. Make sure you are allowing your body and your mind enough time to rest, and fuelling them with the proper nutrients to promote maximum functionality. Ask for help. The reason we break, is because we choose not to flex.
Acknowledge your struggles, and adapt accordingly. The beauty in your breakdown will be the breakthrough that follows.
At 23-years-old, I have now only just started to live my life for the very first time. Everything before was such a blur. Every sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste was only something I had heard of. Every experience was mediocre. Life was bland. There was no substance. There was no sense.
It’s hard to put these feelings into words, but I will try. The best way I can describe anxiety is going through each day feeling as if you’re underwater. Nothing is clear. All of your senses lack functioning. You’re overstimulated, and the only thing you can do is shut down. There have been soo many endless days of crying. It became my outlet. I allowed myself to feel, to be vulnerable.
Anxiety is something that is all too familiar to me. Since the age of six, it has haunted me. It has controlled me, and it has torn me down more than once. It didn’t come alone though. It came hand in hand, like peanut butter and jelly, with depression.
Depression. You know that rainy day that feels like it’s never going to end? Your mood is sad. You’re exhausted. You can’t get out of bed? It’s like that, only times 1,000! It’s not just one day, two days, or even three. Sometimes, it lasts for months, sometimes years. You start to become a sucky person, flaky, insensitive and just overall a buzz kill. Not yourself.
From ages six to 23, until the day I hit rock bottom and had no other choice but up, anxiety robbed me of my freedom. I’ve been to dark places. Imagine if you must. Never physically hurting myself, but I’ve sunk into a few deep black holes where scary thoughts laughed at me while I wept.
Anxiety disorders are extremely debilitating. No, I couldn’t just stop worrying. No, I couldn’t just relax or just breathe. I couldn’t just get over it. Trust me, I wish I could, but I couldn’t.
This is one of my many but not my last attempt at describing anxiety. My mission is to educate those who are dealing with it and who have loved ones who struggle with it. There is help, and there is hope. I’m so thankful this experience has allowed me to turn my mess into a message.
Here’s what I have learned to be the do’s and don’ts of anxiety:
1. Do speak to someone!
Anyone, a friend, a therapist, your significant other, or even me!
2. Don’t think it’ll just pass on its own.
Sometimes we put way too much pressure on ourselves, thinking we can fix everything. It’s OK to ask for some help every now and again.
3. Do everything possible to try to stay positive.
Show gratitude. Show compassion. Surround yourself with loved ones. Journal. Meditate. Anything can create even the slightest glimmer of hope!
4. Don’t compare yourself to others.
Not on Facebook. Not on Instagram. Not in the magazines. Not in real life. Trust me! If everyone threw their problems into a pile, then you would act fast to grab yours right back. Just saying…
5. Do redirect your thoughts.
Distract yourself. As soon as a negative thought attacks, be prepared. Think happy. Like I said, anything is better than nothing when it comes to overcoming adversities. I have had my fair share of struggles that I honestly came to breaking point at one point so trust me when I say that I honestly was ready to do anything and everything to regain my life!
6. Don’t forget: Out of your vulnerabilities, will come your strength.
7. Do what feels good to YOU.
8. Don’t be embarrassed to see a therapist.
Here are a few sentences from a book I recently read and really found helpful when I was going through my funk: “No study has ever suggested that people in therapy are, on average, more troubled or demoralized than people who are not in therapy. Rather, they tend to be distinguished by the fact that they have chosen to confront the problems of poor self-esteem and inadequate contact with the self. They, thereby, offer us an opportunity to learn of a great deal about the psychological condition of the general population.”
When you learn to accept your flaws, you learn how to be happy with who you are now until you get to where you want to be. You don’t compare yourself to those ahead of you and feel insecure about yourself and your accomplishments.
You don’t look at accepting your flaws as complacency or lack of ambition, you look at it as compassion and self-love; knowing you’ll never be perfect, you’ll never look a certain way and you’ll never entirely love everything about yourself but that won’t stop you from embracing your flaws. Learning to love what you can’t change. Feeling good enough and knowing your worth instead of looking at yourself through the eyes of others.
When you learn to accept your flaws, you’re not susceptible to people’s judgments, words or opinions of you. No one can shame you or hold them against you. You embrace the fact that you’re human and you’re learning and you still have a long way to go.
The beauty of learning to accept your flaws is that it takes away the pressure to impress people or always trying to measure up to someone.
When you learn to accept your flaws you attract people who accept them too. You find people who don’t make you feel like you need to change who you are. You find people who appreciate the fact that you’re a little weird, a little eccentric, a little messy, a little bizarre but they love you anyway.
When you learn to accept your flaws instead of picking at them and magnifying them, you create a healthy environment for yourself, you begin to nurture yourself in all the right ways, you become stronger, more resilient and more confident and you begin to understand that even with your flaws, you’re still beautiful and even with your flaws, you’re still loved.
When you learn to accept your flaws, you learn how to fight your own battles and win and you learn how to shield yourself from unnecessary wars.
When you learn to accept your flaws, you won’t ever live questioning if you’re good enough for others as long as you feel good enough for yourself.
Who needs a revenge body when you could have a revenge life?
Before “revenge body” was a show or even a part of our vernacular, it was read between the lines of every magazine on the grocery store shelves and the most over-prescribed “wisdom” that your well-meaning friends could offer. Go – go become the hot piece that you always wanted to be. Mend your emotional wounds in the most primitive way possible. Power through it with the rage of thinking that one day, if you push hard enough, you’ll become attractive enough to be wanted. To be regretted. To be envied.
There are so many deep and twisted layers to this, but let’s just sum it all up like this: your body is not collateral. Changing it to “get back” at someone is not empowering, it is degrading. It keeps you stuck, and perhaps, shocked, when the day comes that you become all that you wanted to be only to discover that the photos go unliked, the calls go unanswered, and the interest has waned even more than before. Or worse, if they do change their minds only for you to experience that particularly disgusting feeling in your throat when you realize that it is only because you look like a semblance of yourself.
There’s no other way to say it than just to say it: fuck a revenge body, go get a revenge life. Give yourself the life you wanted them to give you. That’s where the healing is.
Go build the career of your dreams not so that they can Google you one day and say hm, guess she really did it, but so that you can live out every day of your life in a way that feels effortless and yet deeply rewarding. Go find yourself the partner of your dreams not so that someone can become territorial again, but so that you can get a real love story. Book a trip by yourself and post photos not so that you can evoke the envy of someone who may have wanted to be beside you, but so that you can see parts of the world you only once knew the names of, and so it can open you – stretch you – in ways far better than you ever could have imagined.
Instead of trying to get the body of your dreams, go get the life of your dreams – not so that you can convince someone to love you, but so that it doesn’t matter whether or not they do.
Getting the life of your dreams means caring about yourself in the way you always hoped a significant other would. It means doing the things you were waiting for someone to do with you. It means becoming exactly who you want to be, only because you want to be it. It means caring about yourself in the most fundamental ways. Caring about things like vitamins and wearing SPF and learning to meal prep and finding your staple clothes and discovering who your best friends are and finding a genre of fiction you love to read and saving money and spending time with your grandparents.
The best revenge is no revenge. move on. be happy. find inner peace. flourish.
The boss babes societe
Build the life of your dreams moment by moment, day by day, not so that someone can say, I wish I would have stayed, but so they will finally realize she didn’t need me anyway. Build the life of your dreams not so that you can prove something to someone, but that you can prove to yourself that you were all you needed. So that you can finally see your happiness and your potential was limited only by the edges of your imagination – and all the wrong people who were only holding you back.