On The Days When You Don’t Feel Okay

TO You.

I know you don’t feel okay right now. I know your body is worn out, and your soul is tired. I know that the anxiety keeps coming back, and the sadness keeps flooding your mind. I know you aren’t okay, and I know all you want to be is okay. i can see it written all over your face.

I can see the dark shadows under your eyes and the tightness in your shoulders. I can see the slight hunch in your posture, and the brokenness of your smile. I can see how lonely you feel. How lost you feel.

I so badly wish there was something I could do to make you feel okay again. I wish I could give you a special tonic to ease the pain. I wish a band-aid could heal your wound. I wish I had magic words to mend your broken spirit. But there are no tonics or magic words. There are no quick cures to save a defeated heart.

But there is something I do want you to know; something that I think you should hear.

So here goes:

You deserve happiness. And I mean real happiness; true happiness. The kind of happiness that makes your heart fill with warmth.

And you deserve to feel what it feels like to be okay. To feel like the world isn’t against you. To feel like you aren’t constantly treading water just to keep from drowning. More than anything, you deserve to be okay.

And I know it’s hard to hear this, especially when you are so sad. Especially when you are so far away from loving yourself. But I still want you to know. Because one day, you are going to feel okay again. One day you are going to feel happy again. It’s just a matter of time.

But for now, remember that you are special. You are special even when you are feeling anxious. You are special even when you are feeling lonely. You are special even when your friends aren’t checking on you to see how you are. You are special even when you wear the same old pajamas two days in a row. You are special even when you spend your entire day at home scrolling aimlessly on your phone wishing for something or someone to make you smile again.

And just so you know, you will smile again. You are loved. And you are not alone. Not even in the least bit.

ou are so special. And one day you will feel special. You will feel okay. You really will.

But until then, it’s okay to not do anything today. Or tomorrow. It’s okay to not be productive. It’s okay to not get “enough” done. Because sometimes, the hardest part of life is just getting by. The hardest part of life is just waking up and living through the day. The hardest part of life is just holding on.

So if you spend today, or the next few days, just trying to survive. it’s okay.

This hard time, this anxious time, this troubling time – it won’t last forever. It’s just a season. It’s a harder phase of life. It’s an exhausting time of life. But it will lift. You just have to keep going.

So put on your coziest pants. Make yourself a mug of tea. And do whatever it takes to stay afloat.

You deserve happiness, and it will find you. It will just take time.

Sorry But You Can’t Grow Without Change

As i’m about to turn 24, I am looking back at myself as a whole. Seeing how much I have grown over the years and how much more growing I need to do. But I can actively say that it has been one hell of a rollercoaster filled with so many mixed emotions. It is so hard to look back at yourself and say I need to do this, but when you do it, it’s the greatest feeling. Knowing how much I’ve evolved in the last couple of years as a person is honestly my most important journey I have had to endure, one that is filled with hard hitting truths. I am truly overwhelmed with all that I have had to go through and experience, though all very valuable life lessons, i would not be the person that I am without them!

Change is one of those things that can be scary but so beneficial. I was one of those people who felt like, I was who I was. I was messed up, and you either dealt with it or you didn’t…period. I did not feel the need to change myself because I thought it was a lost cause. Thought that I just simply could not do it and that it was too late anyway, I was just stuck in my ways. I was wrong. So very wrong. Eventually, I realized that I was not happy with the person I was nor the person I was beginning to turn into just because I felt as though I was fine how I was, regardless of the fact it was self-destructing. I am naturally quite stubborn at times, do not like arguing but can be very argumentative, and I wore my heart on my sleeve, I was extremely sensitive and let people get to me very easily and therefore retaliated just as fast. This was tearing me up inside because I knew this was not the person I am or the person I am supposed to become.

So I started to make some changes. Did they happen overnight? Hell no, some things I am still working on, and other things I did not realize it was a problem until recently. Although it was intimidating and felt impossible, within time I and those around me saw the changes. I just had to constantly remind myself, “Hey just chill” or “Remember, Elena, do better.” Honestly! Those were the thoughts I kept in my mind to have those changes made.

Everyone screams of growth! Always talking about bettering themselves and being a better person but then don’t want to change. How do you expect to grow as a person if you aren’t learning from your prior mistakes? Learning from your experiences, figuring out how to become a better you. And don’t mistake change as losing yourself. That’s what I did. You don’t have to lose yourself, it is an improvement of you. As humans, we are constantly evolving, physically, mentally, and emotionally. So it is necessary to get rid of bad habits and fertilize the good ones. As I said before, there are things that I did not see as an issue until now. I may have changed one aspect of myself but within time and growing as a person I saw something else I may want to alter. That is what growth is. Not just saying and pretending, but actually DOING. Taking the effort to make that change.

Also I should mention, do not worry about those around you. People who care about you will see that you are growing for yourself and will always be there for you regardless. The people who complain that you are changing are jealous and scared that you are becoming a better person and are able to make that change. Usually, they are scared that they are going to lose you. Those are people that you may have to leave during your growth process too or reassure them that you will always be there but this has to be done for you. Sometimes your friends and family are not always on the same path of growth and that is fine, but never hinder your growth because of them and don’t look down upon them because they are not there in their lives yet. Change is scary but it is so necessary. Don’t get stuck in your ways. Don’t keep yourself in a small-minded box. There is always room for improvement, no matter the age or the times. There is no expiration date on growth, just in opportunities. So don’t miss that life-changing opportunity all because you were scared to change. You will only hinder yourself. Remember that you are worth it, and if you love and believe in yourself, change isn’t scary at all.