I Still Believe In Beauty After Experiencing So Much Pain

It’s not easy for me to trust someone after being betrayed before. It’s not easy for me to believe someone is going to stay after being abandoned before. It’s not easy for me to love after being heartbroken before.

Despite all of the hardships I have suffered through, I am not going to allow the pain of my past to negatively impact my future. I am not going to let fear overshadow my desire to enter a loving, committed relationship. I am not going to hover inside of my comfort zone when I am unhappy and isolated there.

I am going to take a risk by letting myself love again, because staying at home and stewing in my loneliness is a different kind of risk. One that I am unwilling to take.

It has been hard for me to let my guard down when there is a piece of my mind warning me that I am better off alone, but I cannot live my life expecting to get hurt. I cannot let my skepticism overrule my faith that I will someday find my soulmate.

I still believe people are capable of keeping their promises even though I have seen them broken a million times. I still believe people are capable of good things even though I have witnessed so many bad things in the past.

History does not have to repeat itself. Falling in love is not necessarily going to lead to heartbreak. There is always a chance it will lead toward my final happily ever after. I cannot give up hope of finding my person. I won’t let myself become cold and bitter because my love story has taken longer to unfold than I would have liked.

I am going to keep searching for someone who understands me. I am going to keep opening my heart up to others. I am going to keep putting myself out there even on the days when it feels pointless to try.

I am not naturally trusting. My first instinct is to look for lies hidden in stories, to keep my eyes open for red flags and warning signs. When I enter a relationship, it’s not easy for me to take the other person’s words at face value. I am choosing to trust the other person. I am making a daily decision to think positive even though it’s so much easier to let negativity prevail.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who focuses on the worst in others, who never gives anyone a chance, who assumes the world is a horrible place filled with heartless souls. I want to be the kind of person who sees the beauty in others, who takes a chance on love, who refuses to let the past interfere with the future.

I have been hurt before but that doesn’t mean I’m going to get hurt again. I have to keep telling myself that.

God, I’m Surrendering To You All The Things That I Can’t Control

I am always worried. I overthink situations in my head, even those that have not happened yet. I look so far ahead of me. Sometimes, I wish I can fast-forward my life to the day when my story is better, and when my world is bigger.

Somehow I am more focused in looking at the things that I don’t have instead of appreciating the things that I have. I compare my journey to someone else’s journey, while neglecting the truth that I have a different route in life to take. I keep thinking that I’m behind. I keep choosing to be blind to notice the blessings You’ve been showering me with. I keep forgetting to let go.

Because the truth is, I allow myself to believe that I have so much control in my life. I can arrive to my destination by myself. I have the power to make a difference using my own decision, my own voice, my own ability.

I have been doing everything on my own. And honestly, I’m tired.

I’m tired of relying solely on my own. I’m tired of constantly proving myself to the world. I’m tired of pretending I never have moments of weakness. I am tired of being the captain of my boat.

And I am here to surrender to You.

I’m offering You my life, my desire, my wishes, and my dreams. I’m letting You take over, day and night. Because God, You know better. You know what’s right for me.

I’m giving You my heart because You are the only one who can take care of it, protect it, and nurture it. You can wrap it with Your love until it stops beating with confusion. And I know that in Your loving fingers, I am assured that my heart will not be broken. It will always be complete. It will always stay calm.

I’m giving up trying to act like I know what I’m doing, and I know where I’m going. It is only You who has a better understanding of my life. And I promise to keep my trust in You. I promise to always make my faith in You stronger, even on the days that I forget to let You steer my direction based on Your purpose.

I will try to stop worrying so much about the things that I can’t control. I will no longer attempt to find answers to all questions. I will never doubt You when I’m in the middle of my struggles. Instead, I will let my life unfold according to Your plans.

I will follow You wherever You want me to go. I will rest my head on Your shoulder when things get rough and remind myself that beside you — I will always be safe. With You, I will always be loved, guided, understood, wanted. In Your presence, nothing can go wrong.

And even if I don’t see You with my own eyes, I can feel You in my soul, in my heart. I know that You’re near me, ready to protect me, forever willing to save me. You’re quick to lend me Your ears when nobody wants to hear me. You’re there to calm me when everything in my life is spinning out of control. You’re there to catch me when I fall.

My life makes so much sense when I stop fighting against the waves, when I let You row my boat, when You stand beside me as I watch the sun swallowed by the dark sky.

I’m at peace every time I give myself the permission to trust the unknown. I fall in love with my life more when I remember Your words, Your promises, Your unfading love.

And I get less scared when I tighten my grip to Your hand, knowing that Someone fights for me, regardless if I’m strong or weak.