Overcoming Pain And Suffering

I want to ask you a series of questions, which I hope you are comfortable answering to yourself. First, how do you react when things don’t go your way? What emotions do you experience? Is it anger, anxiety, fear, or other negative emotions? What is your inner dialogue during these times? More importantly, how do you comfort yourself when you feel this way? It’s a given; life will not always go the way we expect. Unfortunate situations will arise and we must deal with circumstances we haven’t experienced before. This can be difficult because we fear we cannot handle what is taking place.

But that is only our initial reaction, and things are likely to change as we move into the unknown. Our negative emotions matter because they are important to assess what is taking place in our life. The key is to feel the fear and do it anyway, as author Susan Jeffers states in her self-titled book. For instance, psychologists talk about getting comfortable with discomfort and uncertainty. This is not as easy as it sounds unless you’re a Navy Seal, Green Beret, or Commando. These highly decorated special forces are known for operating in difficult environments and dealing with discomfort and uncertainty. But for many of us who are not trained like these individuals, inhabiting our discomfort zone can be frightening.

So, what is the purpose of being comfortable with how things are, even when we dislike it? It means we experience less stress, pain, and suffering because we accept life as it is instead of wishing the situation was different. In fact, it is something I see often in my coaching practice with individuals. Many of them experience pain and suffering and want to learn how to overcome it. They believe I will show them how to change the situation and are surprised to learn I help them change the way they look at it. Invariably, they learn to confront their pain and change their perception of what is taking place, which turns down the volume on their suffering.

How To Transcend Any Difficult Experience

Are you comfortable with this understanding so far? Could you entertain the idea that life’s circumstances are not the root cause of our pain and misery, but it is how we interpret them? Because if I were to take a population of people and expose them to a difficult situation, each person would interpret it differently. So, we either change the circumstances causing us pain or we change our response to it. This is the essence of what author Michael Singer captures in his latest book, Living Untethered: “One of the most amazing things you will ever realize is that the moment in front of you is not bothering you—you are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you. It’s not personal—you are making it personal.” Granted, sometimes, we cannot change our external conditions, and this is when we must change our response instead of internalizing the stress.

Let me be clear here and say this in no way underscores what is taking place in your life. So, if you are facing difficulties with your employer or intimate partner, it requires acknowledging your emotions. However, to suggest this person or condition is the only source of your suffering is unwise because there could be something within you triggering the pain. It is about walking a tightrope between balance and discomfort. Because stress can actually be helpful to our nervous system, but being exposed to too much stress tips us over the edge. To get comfortable with the way things are requires understanding our emotions instead of resisting them. In some respect, we must befriend our emotions.

Here, befriending means making time to listen to our emotions to understand what they are trying to convey. In most instances, negative emotions are protective parts we may have neglected. Therefore, when we come home to ourselves in an authentic and compassionate way, we open the door to healing and integration. We let go of judging what is taking place and consider the lessons contained within the experience. I often repeat this throughout my writing because I believe it to be true. Meaning is subjective, based on our level of awareness. Every person will attribute a different meaning to their circumstances. However, the lessons learned from our difficult experiences are what we ought to place a value on most.

So, could you do this? Could you allow yourself to get comfortable with the way things are right now, even if you don’t like it? Could you welcome your anxiety, anger, fear, and other difficult emotions? Are you willing to learn something true and authentic about yourself through these emotions? I assure you, when you decide to show up for yourself in an authentic and compassionate way, you transcend any difficult experience. In fact, you invite these powerful emotions to join with you in a way you never thought possible. I’ve gone through the process myself and welcomed anger, fear, hurt and judgment frequently. Moreover, I’ve coached hundreds of people to see how their difficulties contain opportunities for personal growth. It requires changing the way we look at things, instead of perceiving life through a single focus.

Considering this, I invite you to answer the questions I asked you in the opening paragraph. If you’ve been following my work, you will know I frequently ask questions through my work because there is tremendous value in self-enquiry. This is a powerful tool because you become your own therapist (healer) instead of relying on others to give you the answers. Equally, self-enquiry is not a replacement for therapy but a compliment to it. Furthermore, when you work through your problems on your own, it builds strength of character, self-belief, and self-esteem. This is the point of self-development: working through our problems to grow into the person required to overcome them. Ultimately, if we want to get comfortable with the way things are, it requires setting aside our beliefs on the way life should be and accepting circumstances as they are. As we do, we open the door to transformation and healing and allow life to show us who we need to become to transcend our pain and suffering.

Self-abandonment is something we develop as children, when we learn that to gain love and acceptance from other people, we have to put their needs before our own or suppress how we really feel so they don’t get mad at us. It’s a result of us not getting the love and care we needed as children, so we continue to ignore our needs and feelings as adults so we can survive because we were taught that being ourselves will get us more punishment than love. 

We start noticing our self-abandonment issues when we grow up and have a better understanding of who we are and what we want or how far we’re willing to go for others. We start realizing that we’re constantly suppressing our voice so others don’t get mad or we’re always doing things we don’t want just to please people. We learned how to bend and break because we didn’t learn healthier ways to communicate or set boundaries to get what we want. We think that to fit in and be liked, we have to avoid conflict and go the distance for those who wouldn’t do the same for us. 

We also never celebrate our successes because we don’t want to look ‘arrogant’ or that we’re boasting because we care too much about what people think, and we often diminish our accomplishments and discredit ourselves so that others don’t feel intimidated by us. We think that we’re not as important as others and that our accomplishments don’t mean anything. Self-abandonment goes hand in hand with self-criticism. We’re always over-critical of ourselves no matter what we achieve, but we cheer on others when they achieve anything. 

Because self-abandonment will always leave you feeling like you’re not good enough and what you do is never enough, you’ll constantly be second-guessing yourself and your choices or trusting others more than yourself.

To stop abandoning ourselves, we need to reprogram our childhood beliefs and instincts. We need to start listening more to our needs and feelings. We need to start paying attention to the red flags instead of ignoring them. We need to start having more courage to lose people or kick toxic people out of our lives. We need to be okay with saying no and asking for what we want and speaking up when things seem unfair. We need to stop being too forgiving or too accommodating when people are constantly taking advantage of us. We need to stand up for ourselves when people do us wrong and we need to set boundaries with those who always belittle us or disrespect us. 

And last but not least, we need to treat ourselves with the same kindness and compassion we selflessly extend to others. We need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes. We need to love ourselves more so we can stop feeling guilty for getting what we want. We need to stop selling ourselves short and learn how to value ourselves regardless of the outcome. We need to get more in touch with who we are and embrace our emotions instead of abandoning ourselves anytime we’re faced with challenges or conflicts. 

We need to put ourselves first when people make us feel like we’re not good enough or they don’t treat us in a way that pleases us. If there’s anything we need to abandon, it’s the old beliefs and thoughts that made us feel unworthy of good things in life or healthy relationships. We need to abandon the idea that it’s too late to change who we are, because healing begins when we dare to change our old self-loathing habits and start embracing patterns that allow us to receive what we deserve.