Sometimes being vulnerable isn’t easy. And sometimes it isn’t easy being vulnerable with someone you love; there’s always the possibility of abandonment, heartache, and pain, and there’s always the possibility that the person you love is going to leave you, ignore you, or worse, reject you.
It’s hard to open up to others when you see how easy it is to keep things to yourself and to keep yourself as a closed book. Sometimes, I bet you wonder how easy it is to keep yourself from telling others about who you are. It can be so easy sometimes to not share what you’re feeling to others and especially being vulnerable with them too, and yet you sometimes forget that there are people out there that care about you too.
In a lot of ways, telling someone how you feel or maybe how you felt in the past is like having your chest ripped open and exposed. It can feel so daunting and intimidating to open up to others about your insecurities, anxieties, and doubts when it’s such a momentous task and when you feel so much self-hatred towards yourself; how can this be good for your heart? How can you even express the amount of guilt and self-blame you feel to others when you feel such dark and heavy emotions towards yourself?
Even scarier, how can you be so sure that they won’t hate you or dislike you for everything you are? How can you be certain when there’s the possibility that they might not actually like what they see or like what they hear; the endless possibility of being rejected—and worse, not loved—is always sitting in your chest and resting heavy on your lungs.
It creeps up on you on some nights, keeping you awake from sleep and genuinely bothering you to the point where you are frustrated at yourself. There’s a quiet desperation inside of you that’s seeking love and care, and yet there’s also a silent feeling of anger, and you don’t even know who to direct it at. You hate it so much when it bothers you like this and when it gets to you so deeply because you hate having to feel such overwhelming emotions, especially at night.
You can’t help but feel hate and anger at yourself for not being able to just tell someone what’s going on and how you feel. The endless blame and the endless hurt you feel just deepens the wounds, because being vulnerable with others has always been told to you as “the right thing to do.” The blame feels like it can only rest on you, because who can actually help you at this point, and who genuinely would want to?
For some, it may be easier to tell others how they feel and open up about their experiences or traumatic events throughout their life. But for you, staying silent has always been your best option because it has kept you safe from hurt and you told yourself it was for the best and for your own protection. It was genuinely just easier to not say anything and to stay silent because you felt that it protected you from further hurt, blame, or the possibility of anger misdirected your way. And I hate the way you’ve collapsed into a ball of fear and shame; I genuinely can’t even begin to express how I hate seeing you hurt like this, and hurt for such a heart-breaking reason.
In the past, you have never felt what most people have gotten to feel, and I know it’s particularly unfair for you; it’s so easy for some people to open up about their fears and secrets, and yet for you, it’s just something you can’t seem to do and it literally breaks your soul every time you try; sometimes, when I see you open up to others, you can’t even help but cry. That’s evidence of how long it’s been since you’ve reached out to someone who cared about you, and that’s how long you’ve had these thoughts sitting inside your chest letting it grow into deep wounds.
You’ve never gotten to feel genuine connection, love, and care going your way and I hate this so much about you but you blame yourself for it; you think you’re the problem just because you can’t open up about your darkest thoughts. And sometimes, you become so self-destructive to the point where you think you are the only person in the world who could do this themselves, because at the end of the day, who else can you blame?
I hate how you think you are alone in this. How have you never realized that being vulnerable requires strength and bravery, and guess what, you have it within you too; you have it within you to share the darkest parts of your mind and soul. And sharing parts of your story and even things that others do that hurt you can be hard, but look at the people who stay and surround you and listen to your words; look at the reward. Look towards the one person who has never left your side—me. Because truly, at the end of the day, I promise, opening up to others isn’t a burden for them, so it should never be and should never feel like blame directed towards you, or even the blame you direct towards yourself.
Vulnerability encompasses the essence of feeling strong and brave, but that doesn’t mean feeling weak and fatigued and exhausted is not a part of the process. Just because you’re feeling scared or anxious doesn’t mean you aren’t strong and brave, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean you can’t share what’s going through your head at the moment or even right now. I can’t say it enough, I am just one person that’s not going to leave your side because of what you are willing to share, so don’t even hesitate or worry about it; you can open up to me and I can be your confidante, and let me share your thoughts, pains, and heavy burdens with you; we can uncover the deepest parts of your soul that you protect your hardest to guard. Because you’re guarding your heart too tightly and you’re only guarding it because of how others have treated you in the past, so please, just try something new and be strong, and please just let me in.
Don’t be surprised, but people who give you the time of day and show affection and love towards you genuinely give a damn about you, and that may come as a shock; it may feel abnormal at first to be given so much attention and care, but what if it’s what you deserve at the end of the day? What if it’s what you can have even if you’re not too open with yourself, or even with your past? What if this is how a person can be fully loved and deeply cherished just for who they are, and what if you can have that?
In some ways, you just have to try and openly express it. No one is ever going to openly hurt you or abandon you for who you are, and I promise, I am living proof that I am just one person who will stay right in your corner and by your side. Because all I’ve ever wanted was to help you uncover who you really are; the deepest and most vulnerable parts of yourself. All I’ve ever wanted was to uncover what you try so hard to protectively hide and help heal the broken parts of your soul because I love every single damn nice or dark thought that crosses your mind. All you have to do is be yourself with me, and whether you share those parts of yourself with me or not, I promise, that is enough for me.
