Sometimes everything does suck. It just does. You’re exhausted. You’re stressed. You’re down on yourself and you’re down on everyone else and nothing you’ve done has made you feel proud or excited or enthusiastic or even anything. Everything you write sucks. Everything you do sucks. You’ve resigned yourself to a life of mediocrity, because, maybe you could be the best at being average. Or the best at sucking the least. New goal: be the best at sucking the least.
Then, you do that thing which you’re never supposed to do, but you do it anyway because, hey, you’re already down here in the pit of your self-loathing, why not make this pit even less hospitable? You feel ashamed about everything sucking. You feel like, wait, shouldn’t I know how to not feel this way? You start feeling guilty, like, you should be able to un-suck your life and now the fact that you can’t is making you feel even worse. You’ve pretty much just dug a hole inside the hole you were already in. Fun times!
So, you spend a day or two collecting evidence, like you’re Sherlock Holmes trying to crack the case of why you are The Worst. You overthink. You overanalyze. You remember Debbie back in the 5th grade and why was Debbie so awful to you? You remember all your past transgressions, your assumed failures, everything that can burrow you deeper into this hole comes to the forefront of your mind. You start to understand the full weight of when people say you are your own worst enemy, because yes and because right now and because you are, you really just are.
And then, you go on Facebook (terrible idea) or Twitter (worst idea) or Instagram (the actual worst idea) or you go outside (maybe a better idea) and you think, wait, why is everyone ok and why am I not ok? You start to develop a kind of weird embarrassment around the fact that things suck right now and, on top of things sucking, you are also being a total jerk to yourself. You think, I am the only person in the world who cannot get it together.
Everyone has it together, except me. What is wrong with me? Am I okay? Do I need help? That latent shame becomes full-on shame. It’s palpable shame now. And, you’re convinced you are the only person in the world who doesn’t do all the things they know is good for them, who breaks promises to themselves, who goes and goes and goes until they’re exhausted and broken, who tries to be the best by being the most of anything. You’re the only person in the world struggling to understand relationships, to balance friendships, to catch a breath, to learn to budget, to learn to cook, to do everything and be everything all at the same time. You’re the only person who is trying to do everything and be everything while having the feeling you should already know how to do and be those things already.
To all that. To you. To those who are struggling and then, to those, who are struggling because they are struggling. You are not alone. You are living and living is messy and it’s weird and you can be in the fog for a very long time until it clears. It could be nothing, it could be something, it could be everything. You don’t know. But, you are not alone. In the darkened corners of your mind, you may think you are. You may think everyone has it figured out and you’re the one left behind. Don’t believe it. That is not capital t Truth. That is the small voice in your mind who is being a total jerk to you.
Breathe. Have a cup of tea or some hot chocolate. Do something which you know brings your soul alive, if only for a moment. All the moments you have lived in have brought you exactly to this moment. And, while this moment might completely suck for you and all your moments have brought you to what you think is the truth of how much you suck, then, well, you’re not alone. We’ve all been there. We’ll all be there again. You’re not broken. You are, simply, alive.